Beneath the calm - by Obikaeze Precious

Here we go again. it's got the strength of a thousand army compared to me. and it's trying to take over my senses and entire being. sometimes I wonder if anger is really an emotion or a being living inside of me. because whenever I get angry I don't feel like myself. It starts quietly, a little irritation, a little disappointment A sentence someone uttered I pretended didn't hurt. something small I tell myself I can handle. "I'm fine" I say it so often that even I sometimes believe it. Then something else happens, and then another, and suddenly everything I've been swallowing comes crashing back all at once. That's when anger takes over, the blind rage. My breath comes in heavy spurts,my heart strains against my chest as my heart beats increases at an alarming rate.my body vibrates with unsaid words as I struggle in those few seconds to win the war against this monster called rage. I put up a good fight but I lost. My thoughts become louder than everything else around me. Every word suddenly sounds disrespectful to my ears , and every mistake feels intentional every memory I tried so hard to bury rushes to the surface. And the worst part? In that moment I cease to be understanding, I just want them to listen to me and I want to see them hurting like I am. That's awful, I know.But in that moment I cease to care, perhaps I'm broken. I just want to cry my eyes out in those moments when it's over. As I reflect on my cutting words and actions, and the things I certainly can't take back,the guilt becomes unbearable and I wish I could just disappear. Anger is exhausting, and rage doesn't always burn the other person it always finds a way of burning you first. It's not nice losing control like that,but I'll keep trying to win this fight against anger, and I hope I win. I know it's going to take a lot of discipline and control to win but I'm willing to try,a step at a time. I am learning that feeling anger doesn't make me a bad person. But what I do with that anger matters. I can be furious without destroying someone. I can be hurt without becoming cruel. I can walk away before my emotions choose my words for me. I can admit, “I'm too angry to talk right now,” instead of pretending I'm calm when I'm not. And maybe that's the hardest part of growing. Learning that I don't have to act on every emotion just because I feel it. My anger is real. My hurt is real. But neither one gets to decide who I become. So when the rage comes again, I'm trying to pause. Breathe. Leave the room. Cry if I need to. Be quiet if speaking will only cause damage. And when I'm finally calm enough to hear myself again, I'll ask the question I should have asked from the beginning: “What actually hurt me?” Because I was never angry at the world. I am just tired of being hurt by it. And healing isn't about becoming someone who never gets angry. it's learning how to manage the anger without letting it consume me. I'm sorry to all those I've hurt with my words and actions while in an episode, I really am,and although I can't take it back, I'll try harder in my fight against blind rage and when I do win, I know I'm going to have no regrets and I'll finally get a chance to be happier without the baggage called rage.

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