between me and God

There are things I have asked You for so many times that I am beginning to feel embarrassed about it I wonder, do You ever get tired of hearing me ask?I asked for this one.And that one.And the one I was almost too scared to say out loud because wanting something that badly makes disappointment feel twice as humiliating.And some of them were so ordinary, so possible, things other people got without having to beg for them in the dark.And still, they became impossible for me.So lately, my prayers have started to change.Less like please give me this and more like, are You even listening?I hate that question.I hate that I am even asking it.Because I know what I believe. I know You hear me. I know I am not supposed to measure Your love by the things You give me.But I am human And sometimes we count the dreams that stayed as dreams, the doors that closed just when we thought they were opening. The what-ifs. The things we were so sure were finally ours, until of course they weren't.I count them sometimes.And then I look at all the things I am still asking You for, and something inside me whispers,What if those don't happen either?What if I pray for the big things with the same hopeful certainty, and one day I am standing in the exact same place, still asking?What if I have mistaken hope for a promise?I don't know how to tell You this without sounding ungrateful.I am grateful.I am.But gratitude doesn't always set aside my disappointment.I can thank You for everything I have and still cry over what I don't have.I can trust You and still be scared.I can believe You are listening and still have nights when Your silence still feels unbearably loud.So maybe this is where I am right now.Somewhere between faith and fear.Between I know You have a plan and please, God, let this be mine.Between surrender and wanting.Between the person who says if Allah wills and the girl who sometimes wants to grab the universe by the shoulders in desperation and curse.I don't know which prayers will become stories I tell someday, hopefully laughing about how worried I was.I don't know which ones You'll answer differently, or at all.I don't even know if the things I am asking for now are things I will still want five years from now.But I know I'm still here. Still asking and still hoping.Still turning toward You, even on the days when I don't understand You.

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