Days 26-29 - by Maq

"I have always been a terrible keeper of feelings. Everything spills. A glance becomes a paragraph, a silence becomes a chapter, and suddenly I am awake at three in the morning, giving language to things that were never mine to name. I would write until the words stopped sounding like words and started sounding like a confession. I would write until I could no longer tell whether I was trying to remember you or trying to forget you. Oh, how cruel it is to love something so deeply. The only place you can put it is on a page, where it can live forever, even when you no longer do."***I had no idea what to write for this piece that wouldn't end up seeming repetitive of everything else. I just knew that this series is almost over, and I wanted to write something before the last day. So please bear with me. We're somehow in day...29? (😭😭😭)And after nearly a month of talking about all the things I've been learning and doing, I have finally remembered that I am also (supposed to be) a writer 😅(Not counting contests or this series)I have been writing a book for almost a year now, and I have been stuck on it for quite some time.I really thought that this series, and all the sudden drive and activity that came with it, would somehow push me out of that little corner I'd written myself into.I wasn't expecting to be so spectacularly wrong. I have barely touched the book, save for that little piece above I managed to write a couple of hours ago. To be honest, I think it's quite... beautiful? Not sure if that's the right word though.But I'm definitely sure that it has absolutely nothing to do with the book I'm supposed to be writing 😂Not even a little bit.I've spent the last thirty minutes trying to convince myself that even though it's not right for that particular scene, in that particular chapter, maybe i could still use it for another part. But to be honest, everything about it is completely wrong. The style, the tone...I mean, my main character isn't even a writer or writing or anything of that sort.So I've accepted that it probably (definitely) isn't going into the book, and that I'm back right where I started. I guess this really makes writing my book another thing I didn't actually do this last month.I might as well just mention some parts of the list.I didn't become fluent in Spanish or German and Arabic. Obviously, fluency is a stretch but compared to ASL, I am very very far behind in learning any spoken language. I don't really know how this happened. I think maybe keeping up with myself got harder and I ended up going in directions that were easier for me. I also didn't read nearly as many books as I thought I would. I didn't try any new recipes or really learn to draw faces either. I didn't go anywhere. I had this daydream that I'd still manage to get out into the world sometime during the end of this series but the farthest I've gone is Marrs...(John Marrs 😭💔)When I look back at the list I had in my head when I started this, there is a still a small amount of stuff I didn't do. I think that's fine though. I want to believe that I have all the time in the world to do them.And of course, much, much more. I'm a little bit sad that this series is ending.I don't usually find myself journaling unless I am very overwhelmed. But somehow I've managed to do this for a whole month (there are many different drafts of whatever I put out). Somehow, almost all of them are me talking about myself and my life and my feelings and my interests, and I am excited or very calm or just very happy about something, or even nothing, other than the fact that I'm doing something that I enjoy and telling someone about it.I will probably never do this ever again 😂 At least not so publicly. I've caught myself more than enough times feeling like I'm letting other people down by not doing 'enough', when I know that that probably isn't true and that I shouldn't be bothered about things like what other might think, especially when I also know that no one really cares that much 😂Still though, I have really enjoyed writing this, and sharing this with you. And even though I'm a little sad that it's ending, I also think I'm ready for the last day.See you tomorrow.

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