Beloved Reader,

You might not know me but...

I've never really been alone in my life.

I was born into a family of six.

Even when I came to the university, I was not alone

My older sister was here, waiting to hold me by my hand and walk me through the rules of this new world. 

We shared the same room with my cousin

We were a happy trio.

We laughed and cracked jokes, shared jokes no one outside the family could understand.

We shared secrets

We talked about a lot of things that no other person must know about.

We were so close-knit, inseparable.

So that's why I lost my mind

That's why I sat, barely clothed on the cold floor everyday as I cried my eyes out .

Till my body ached.

That's why I screamed, until my throat was dry and scratchy.

That's why I felt unbearably cold and alone when my sister graduated.

Yes, I would still see her if I went home

That's why I wanted to go home,

Run away from it all.

So it felt good when the warm thick liquid drooled down my skin as I pressed the cold sharp object firmly against the sole of my feet and drew a line.

I felt a strange sense of satisfaction as the pain coursed through my body sharply.

My body eased, the warmth and sting left me feeling a sense of companionship 

When I was thinking of a place to do it, I didn't want a place anyone could see

I definitely didn't want my thighs 

Never my thighs.

My thighs which he would bury his face in and savour the fleshiness

No, I won't ruin it for him

So I chose the sole of my feet

Hidden.

Everyday, I ponder on what the state of my mind would be when my cousin graduates.

Maybe I'd just give it all up.

This education thing.

And go home to be with my sister.

Except I won't be able to go home.

I'm supposed to be a lawyer.

But now, as I search for the scars of my pain.

As I bend, strain and crane my neck to study the criss cross lines from which the crimson liquid dripped out.

All I see is a blank slate.

Nothing.

There are no lines

Not even one

There's no proof of the pain I caused to feel satisfaction.

Then I realize...

It was all in my head.

I wouldn't do that to myself.

Would I?