Existing Is Becoming Exhausting.

There’s a particular kind of frustration that comes with knowing you want more from life but having very little to show for the things you’re hoping to achieve. It’s not necessarily that you lack ambition. If anything, you have too many things you want to do. You have plans, ideas, places you’d like to visit, things you’d like to buy, experiences you’d like to have and a version of yourself you’re desperately trying to meet. But somehow, life has decided to move at a pace you never agreed to. You’re unemployed. Opportunities aren’t exactly knocking on your door. The appointments aren’t coming in as you’d hoped, and every day seems to come with another reminder of what you should be doing, what you haven’t done and what people expect from you. And the funny thing about it all? You’re not oblivious to your situation. You know. You think about it probably more than anyone realises. You don’t need another reminder that you’re not where you want to be. You wake up with that knowledge. Sometimes, you just want to exist without having your existence questioned. You want to have an ordinary day without feeling guilty about not doing enough. You want to sit down without feeling as though you’re wasting time. You want to enjoy something without having to calculate what else that money could have been used for. You want to make plans without immediately wondering whether you can afford them. And perhaps that’s one of the most frustrating parts: having a mind full of possibilities and a bank account that keeps reminding you of your limitations. There are things you could be doing if you had the money. There are opportunities you could pursue if you had the right connections. There are places you’d love to go, things you’d love to experience and little luxuries you’d like to enjoy without having to think twice. But everything seems to require something you currently don’t have. And no, being told to think positively doesn’t magically change that. Neither does being reminded that other people have it worse. You’re aware that the world is difficult for everybody. You’re aware that the economy isn’t exactly making life easier. You know people are struggling, too. But knowing that doesn’t make your own situation any less frustrating. Sometimes, you don’t want a motivational speech. You want an opportunity. You want a paying job. You want something to finally work out. You want to see the effort you’ve been putting into yourself translate into something tangible. Because there is only so much comfort you can find in knowing you’re capable of more when you don’t have enough opportunities to demonstrate it. And then there’s the pressure that comes with being at home. The questions, the reminders, the occasional comments that somehow manage to turn an already difficult day into an even longer one. You understand that people may have their reasons for asking. Perhaps they’re worried. Perhaps they want to see you doing better. But what happens when the person they’re asking is already asking herself the same questions? What happens when you’re already disappointed about your circumstances, already trying to figure out your next move, already wondering how to get yourself out of the situation, and then you have to explain why things haven’t changed? It becomes exhausting having to account for a life you’re still trying to put together. And somewhere in all this, you begin to spend more time indoors than you’d like. Days turn into routines. Your world becomes smaller. You postpone outings, cancel little plans and convince yourself that you’ll do certain things when you have more money. Even the things you once did to make yourself feel better become harder to access. You notice changes in your body. You notice how much less you get out. You notice that your days don’t look the way you imagined they would at this age. And suddenly, you’re not just frustrated about employment or money. You’re frustrated about how much of your life seems to be happening within the same four walls. It’s a strange feeling, having so much life you want to experience and feeling as though you’re watching it from a distance. Then there’s the question of friendships. I’ve grown accustomed to my own company. I don’t necessarily crave constant companionship, and after certain experiences, I have become more comfortable keeping people at a distance. But occasionally, I think about how nice it would be to have someone to call without first wondering whether I’m inconveniencing them. Someone to talk to without having to measure how much of their own struggles they’re already carrying. Because everybody seems to be going through something these days. And while I understand that, I sometimes wish there was a little more room for people to show up for one another. I don’t always want advice. I don’t always want solutions. Sometimes, I just want to be able to say that things are difficult without feeling the need to immediately reassure the other person that I’ll be fine. I think there’s a particular loneliness in becoming so accustomed to handling things yourself that you sometimes forget what asking for help feels like. And perhaps the most frustrating part is that I haven’t stopped wanting things. I still have plans. I still have ideas. I still imagine a life that looks different from this one. I still want to build things, create things, travel, make money, enjoy my own company outside the house, and experience the little freedoms that come with having some financial stability. I haven’t run out of dreams. I’ve just run into the reality of having limited means to pursue them. And I don’t think people talk enough about how emotionally exhausting that can be. How do you remain excited about the future when the present keeps demanding so much from you? How do you stay motivated when you have tried different things and still haven’t found the breakthrough you need? How do you stop feeling behind when every passing month seems to introduce another thing you think you should have achieved by now? I don’t have a perfect answer. I am not writing this from the other side of everything, with a success story and a list of lessons to share. I’m writing from somewhere in the middle. From the uncomfortable space between knowing what I want and not knowing how to get there. From the frustration of having plans I cannot currently afford to pursue. From the exhaustion of wanting to improve my circumstances while feeling increasingly overwhelmed by them. And perhaps that’s the thing I want people to understand. Not everyone who appears to be doing nothing has nothing going on internally. Some people are thinking, planning, worrying, applying, trying, reconsidering and starting over in ways nobody sees. Some people aren’t short of ambition. They’re short of opportunities, resources, support or simply the room to figure things out without feeling constantly judged. Sometimes, the problem isn’t that you don’t know what you want. It’s that you have nowhere to put all the things you want. And for now, I’m learning to sit with that frustration without allowing it to convince me that this is all my life will ever be. I still have plans. I just wish I had somewhere to put them.

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