I’m at that age where I can comfortably call myself a young adult. Old enough to want companionship, explore romantic relationships and perhaps make room for someone in my life. Yet, somehow, I’ve managed to remain single all my life. Not necessarily because I’ve never had people approach me, had crushes or found myself interested in someone. It’s more about my inability to make room for the possibility of actually dating someone.

Growing up in a rather strict Christian home probably has something to do with it. You know the usual narrative “don’t follow boys ohh, when the time comes God will give you, your own husband”. Apparently, someone can express interest in marrying you, but the process of actually getting to know someone romantically before marriage is a different conversation entirely.

Over the years, I’ve also consumed quite a lot of information about relationships. From books, movies, personal experiences shared by others and conversations, I’ve encountered more than enough reasons to be skeptical about dating. It sometimes feels like every other relationship story ends with heartbreak, betrayal, disappointment or some, you’ll be alright.

And somewhere along the line, I think I internalized all of it.

I’ve become so accustomed to anticipating the worst that I’ve barely given myself the opportunity to experience anything. Prevention is better than cure, abi? Except I think I’ve taken that philosophy a little too seriously. I’m so occupied with preventing a potential heartbreak that I’m not even allowing myself to explore the possibility of something good.

Then there’s the actual process of dating. I genuinely wonder how people do it. How do you communicate with someone consistently, sometimes every single day, without running out of things to say? How do people sustain these conversations for months? I’ve heard the argument that when two people genuinely like each other, communication comes naturally. But I’m not entirely convinced. I don’t necessarily believe that liking someone means you must talk to them every day. Surely, two people can like each other, understand each other and still have lives outside their conversations?

Perhaps I’m overthinking it. Or perhaps I simply haven’t figured out how it works.

And then comes intimacy. Let’s not pretend that dating is exclusively about conversations and going on dates. Romantic relationships often come with expectations of physical intimacy. And I’m not even talking exclusively about sex. Sometimes it’s the seemingly harmless ( it maybe harmful, not sure) things like cuddling, kissing,  holding hands, being physically affectionate or simply being comfortable with someone in your personal space.

But are you mentally prepared for all of that? Am I?

This is where my thoughts take an uncomfortable turn towards purity culture.

I think one of the reasons I’ve been particularly frustrated with the subject is because I recognise that I’m one of the people who have been affected by it. The frustrating part is that I don’t necessarily agree with some of the things I was taught, yet I cannot seem to completely detach myself from the conditioning.

It’s almost like knowing something is wrong doesn’t automatically make you free from its influence.

There’s still that little voice in my head asking, shouldn’t you be keeping yourself? Should you really be doing this? Is this something you should be comfortable with? And before I can even process what I actually want, I’m already questioning myself about everything I was taught growing up.

I find myself caught between what I believe now and what I was conditioned to believe then. And I think that’s what frustrates me the most.

It has somehow made the conversation around intimacy more complicated than it needs to be. It has left me questioning my comfort, my choices and even my readiness to explore certain aspects of a romantic relationship.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’d even be able to navigate intimacy comfortably in a relationship. Not because I necessarily don’t want it, but because there’s so much mental baggage attached to the idea. There’s the question of whether I should, whether I ought to, whether I’m giving too much of myself away and whether the person I’m doing it with is even deserving of that access to me.

I don’t have all the answers to these questions.

Maybe I’m not even ready to date, and that’s fine. But I think there’s a difference between consciously choosing not to date because you’re not ready and being so conditioned to avoid relationships that you struggle to give yourself permission to explore.

I don’t want to romanticise dating, either. I understand that relationships come with risks, compromises and plenty possible heartbreaks. I’m not oblivious to that. I also don’t want to spend my entire adult life approaching every possibility with the expectation that it will eventually end badly but I can’t help it.