Successful Burial - by Tari Elise

I hear people say 'the burial was successful'. And I ponder, what really makes a burial unsuccessfulIs it when the body doesn’t agree to stay in the grave?In Nigeria, you can live an unsuccessful life, but you must not have an unsuccessful burial.For a burial to be successful, the dead must not be dead in vain.My grandfather lived 72 years in a one bedroom. No AC, one fan with 3 speeds but only speed 3 works. He fetched water till 70.We buried him in a hall with AC that was so cold, people were begging for the fan.That is how you know a burial was successful The checklist;First, the cow must dieIf you bury your father with only chicken, people will say you killed him with chicken. You must kill cow. If you have small money, one cow. If you have yahoo money, two cows. If you are a politician, a cow, a live band and the Governor must come and spray money on the cow. Second, rice must cause confusion.There must be at least 4 coolers of jollof. If rice doesn't finish and start again, burial failed. Rice and meat must circulate 3 times. If one aunty does not shout 'This meat is too small!', burial failed. If one uncle like that does not pack rice inside black nylon and put in his agbada, burial was not successful<img src="/media/inline_insight_image/Screenshot_20260914-203221_1.png"/> Successful burial means food will cause small wahala.Third, aso-ebi that nobody likes but everybody buysYou will sell aso-ebi for 15k. The lace is ugly. Nobody will wear it again. But if your father's burial is successful, all women will tie it on their head like they love it. You will know it was successful when you see your enemies wearing it and dancing. Fourth, tears must be loudIf nobody shouts and falls on the coffin, burial is not successful.We hire one auntie like that whose job is to cry. She will shout "Ha! Oga mi ti lo!" Even though she only saw Oga once in 2017.If rain falls, we will say "Even the heavens are crying". If sun is too hot, we will say "The sun is celebrating his homecoming." Either way,successful. Fifth, the brochure must lie smallIn the brochure: "He was a philanthropist, a community leader, a devout Christian."Reality: My grandfather borrowed money and never returned it.But for a successful burial, we must add small lie to make the dead shineThey term a burial as "unsuccessful" mostly when the person died poor and the family is also poor. So there is no money to perform successA successful burial is when the person lived poor, but somehow the children now have money to rent crowd and cow to rewrite history.So success is not about how the person lived. It's about how much the family can spend to prove love after death.For burial, family printed banner 20 feet tall. Hired MC with suit. Shared souvenir with man's face on itEverybody says "Ah, they buried him well."Nobody says "Ah, they tried for him while he was alive."Because for them, burial is not about the dead person. It's about the living people proving they tried.So when they say "burial was successful", they are NOT saying the person successfully died. We are scoring the organizers.In Nigeria, you don't need to live well.You just need to be buried well, so your village people will leave u alone

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