I used to think every home was like mine

I thought it was normal to cry yourself to sleep because of words your own mother said.

I thought it was normal to think every little thing u do will create problems.

I thought it was normal to feel like you were walking on broken glass in your own house.

I thought it was normal to be compared to other children

Then I grew up and realized it this was not normal.

This is not love. This is toxicity.

A toxic parent doesn't always beat you. 

Sometimes the wounds don't have scars

It's the dad who always compares you with others.

"Your mates scored over 300 in jamb"

It's the mum who tells all your business to neighbors

"They should also know"

It's hearing "After all I've done for you" when u try to have an opinion

It's hearing "I carried you for nine months " when u try to have a say in your life.

Like I could forget...

One thing about toxic parents is that u still love them

They're still the same people who fed you, paid your school fees, prayed for u

U try to give them the benefit of doubt that maybe that's how they were raised

So u feel guilty for being angry 

You feel guilty for wanting space.

You feel guilty for almost talking back

Slowly you start to believe that maybe u are the problem

Maybe you are just being too sensitive

Maybe you don't deserve softness

Slowly you become a people pleaser

You say 'sorry' when u did nothing wrong

You learn to hide

It feels like you are living with landlords in your own home

You grow up and become two people 

The one that always smiles outside like everything is alright.

And the one that's always scared

Scared of making mistakes

Scared of being compared

Scared of being outlisted

I've heard of people who became perfect students just to hear weldone

Being a parent doesn't give you the right to destroy a child's mind

It doesn't give you the right to cry to guilt trip your child 

The funniest thing is that they don't even know what they are doing

How it affects us

How it crushes our self-esteem

Sometimes we classify it as African Parenting

But it's not

It's not discipline either

Hurting a child in the name of love is still hurting

Toxic doesn't have to mean forever.

You heal,

Find your people, 

Friends who feel like family

God

You re-parent yourself

Tell yourself the words you never heard.

"I'm proud of you"

"You're not a mistake".

I'm not writing this because I hate my parents 

I love them regardless

But I'm writing this because there's someone somewhere who thinks they are alone.

You are not a burden

You are not too much

Home should be where u rest,

Not where you fight to survive.

If your home doesn't feel safe right now, 

Hold on

You will grow

You will leave

And you will build the kind of home where children are not afraid to laugh loudly

Because the cycle can end with you