You Win Some, You Lose Some

I think I've figured out why we don't see ourselves when we look in the mirror some days. Maybe it's because we've gotten too good at deciding what we want to see.Either that or I've somehow gone crazy.It has been a tough year. There are as many victories as there are losses. “You win some, you lose some”Such is life and so I don't care. I'm fine…...is what I keep telling myselfI don't care…...but I doI appreciate myself enough to move on…... because staying with this grief will surely tear me apart…I don't…...apart to the point it will be inevitable to accept that they actually changed me.…Care. I don't care.… It was in Late March when it happened all of a sudden. I knew it'd happen, but it was sudden either way. I yelled. He said he couldn't take it anymore. He broke up with me. I scoffed and told him he read my mind.It was the kind of door slam that sounded like the last time he’d try to come in again. I saw the retreating headlights of his black sedan. I could feel goosebumps on my arm.Something broke…There was no wind, but…there was probably one coming. I sense weather patterns very well. And when the headlights were gone, I stomped inside to sleep.I felt an ache within, but it was probably the stress.It was my heartIgnore her. It was not… I already knew that it would eventually happen.Yeah, it ached just as much to remember it.I’m fine. I was fine…and I'll always be fine. Mother was unnecessarily worried about my emotional state-as usual- when she learnt that Frank left that week. She did that thing with her voice where she pretends to care.She's not lying about that oneI told her it wasn't necessary. The same thing happened at the office with Joy. She looked at me like she was waiting for me to cry on her shoulder.“I’m fine”,I reassured her, giggling.It's the kind that sounds hollowShe squeezed my hand, “I know. I just want you to know it's also okay if you're not fine yet”I scoffed, “No, I have no time for that. You win some, you lose some. Isn't it?”Trying to convince herselfShe left me eventually. Emotionally and then physically. Or maybe she didn't leave at all.I don't know, I could only really sense some uncomfortable tension in my chest. That night, my apartment was too quiet. I felt a dust mote in my eye. I felt restless. And so I recoiled to my happy nest-The one that cared enough to offer advice on what to do when you need help getting your life together.“Let them go. Your best days are now”“Speak truth to yourself.”“Be okay. You know why? Because that guy is probably in some other place, not thinking of you at all”The last one got to me.That's the only one you were looking for. And so I fell in love with my life. Day one, I looked at the girl in the mirror and spoke to her like she was the one facing the breakup.Perhaps because she was. She didn't look anything like someone who knew the truth now.“You are strong. You are happy. You are healthy. Your life is right in front of you.”“Forget Frank, because you don't need him. You don't even care. He stopped liking you a long time ago, and so did you.”She looked at me like she had been slapped. But she nods. “O-okay…”It felt great. I felt great. Week one, week two, Frank or no Frank, I didn't care. I blocked his number—protecting my peace, right?He was toxic energy. I posted more often, captioned everything "soft life only”.Don't roll your eyes, it is soft life.And I promise it wasn't to make anyone jealous. I just…happen to like taking pictures more now. Besides, there are lots of other people out there, who would appreciate my testimony.My testimony? No one cares, so care about no one.Week three, week four, I was doing great… Got a new haircut. New exercise routine. Even changed my color code.Some nights, the apartment had that quiet aura thing again. I researched to get my mind to the space it needed to be. Pinterest boards of healing journeys.TikToks promising a better version of me in thirty days. Movies loud enough to fill that weird silence.I’d feel happier.I promised myself I would.The girl in the mirror, not so much. I don't know, was she thinking of giving up? She always looked at me like she was. I never understood why. Was she just going to give up on her life like that? I’d come to the mirror, and she would arrive two minutes later.“I’m tired… just stop” I frowned at her. Like girl…what's your problem? "No Lora. No, we are not. We are strong” She didn't reply to me, just glaring at me, leaning on the sink. “Say it. We are strong”… “We…are strong” “We are independent” “We're…independent” “We don't care about the past…” … A cold pause. I narrowed my eyes, repeating myself slowly this time, so she can pick up the point. “We. Don't. Care….About the past.” She whispered it back. “We don't…care about the past” “... because our future is right in front of us” She scoffed at me. A sad cynical sound as she looks at me but she spoke the words. “... because our “future” is right in front of us” The bathroom was quiet that day. I couldn't stand her. She was acting weak. I don't want that for myself.And so I was patient enough to keep showing up every day.That was meant to be a good thing, until it wasn't. The end of the month of April.A productive month. The kind that has never felt more freeing and purposeful.I come to the mirror. She comes five minutes later.Not again. Not for the following month, like seriously.“What is your problem? We have a lunch meet up by 2:00pm” She doesn’t answer, her eyes still on me. “You woke up late. Again” “Oh, I’m sorry…who had to “research” for pain stabilizers again? You scrolled away and forgot to set the alarm” Excuse me? I stare at her. The raggedy mess of the hair I suffered to fix earlier this month. The dark circles I wanted nothing to do with. The dark eyes that looked like they were out to expose the redness in them. Tears. I sigh, shaking my head, “Lora, why were you crying again?” Her answer is simple. Annoyingly simple. “I’m sad” “No, Lora. No, you aren't” She stares and glares at me all the same, like I’m the stupid one. “I said…I'm sad” “No…you’re happy” “I’m depressed and tired” “You’re lighter and more fruitful” All this negativity. What even… “I’ve never been heavier in my entire life” “Today is going to be great” “And it's all because you keep making me carry all this.” “You have let all things go and forgiven everyone who wronged you- ” She snaps.“What are you doing?!” What's she yelling at me for? You know what? She's just trying to get a reaction out of me. I'm not giving her one. I reply simply.“Doing what I always do” “Lying?” “Positive affirmations.” She stares at me, her jaw twitching as a tear rolls down her face. She's frustrated. At me? Oh wow, so now I'm the bad guy… I sigh, “What are you doing?” “I should be asking you that, Lora. What are you doing? What are you doing to yourself?” “What are you saying? I’m perfectly fine” She tilts her head sharply, gesturing to herself. “Are you?” We are two different people right now, I don't care what she looks like. “I'm living my life.” “No. You're living a lie” I feel my fists curl inward.“I go to the gym. I have a new look. I read. I go out more often with people who should matter” “So?” “Evidence, Lora. Evidence that I'm fine” “Not if any of it is just running away from the stitches" … “Nothing about me is a lie” “Nothing was, Lora. Now, everything is. Why do you think you have to keep this up?” Goosebumps. My lips feel heavy. She must have lost her mind. I close my eyes, taking a breath to disperse the weird feeling in my throat. “I’m tired. WE are tired. We've ALWAYS been tired…” “I’m strong…” “...and terribly hurt…” “I’m happy” “...and lonely…” “I am my own happiness…” “...and trying to act like we are fine because we think we have to be” A tear rolls down my face. My lips quiver but no words come out.She's getting to me.Positive affirmations…Positive affirmations. I shake my head, “I'm okay…” “We miss Frank. So much it tears us from within…” We absolutely DON'T.My eyes fly open.“Stop.” “...and that's why we don't want to face it.” “I don't care!” “...And we’d rather run away from the truth with late night scrolls, our new haircut and fake smiles…” My knees give way, my body trembling in a way I can’t control. The salty shower I've been dreading.Three years… Then I feel it. The tearing ache within, etched into the whole of my chest, like a badly sewn stitch finally ripped open. “I don't care about my past! Frank is nothing!” She's far from done. She's out of the mirror now, crouched down with me. “... because it kills us to think he's perfectly fine while he left us with a hole in our heart. A hole that we’d rather ignore than treat” I gasp for air. “...He wasn't "no one". He has never been "no one"” “Why…why are you doing this…to me?” “There is no future to look forward to if we are still trapped in our past, Lora” “You're literally trapping me there!” No retort.Just the cold bathroom floor and memories flash before my eyes. Frank.Three years. Our anniversary…the last one? It was last November. We cooked, didn't we? The hugs, the smiles. The laughs. The gifts. The words. All of it. Done. It's like cold water poured over me. My chest heaving as the walls come crashing down. “He’s gone, Lora… he’s really gone…isn't he?” I don't know how long I've stayed on the floor. When I finally stand, my knees still shake.My eyes wouldn't meet the mirror. All those days I only wanted to be seen. The pictures. The fake smiles.The band-aids…Band-aids, how many… For how long…Holding all the pain I felt on the floor. She held it in. All along. I’ve been so exhausted… I look up. She's there no more.I have become one with the truth.There is no second reflection.

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