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85
I Miss Who I Was Before I Learned to Protect Myself
<p>I remember a version of myself that didn’t think this much.</p><p>Back then, I didn’t calculate my responses.</p><p>I didn’t reread messages before sending them.</p><p>I didn’t pause to ask, “Am I doing too much?”</p><p>I just… was.</p><p>If I liked you, you knew.</p><p>If I cared, it showed.</p><p>If I missed you, I said it without overthinking how it would sound.</p><p>There was no strategy.</p><p>No emotional caution.</p><p>Just honesty.</p><p>I didn’t know anything about “being nonchalant.”</p><p>I didn’t know that replying fast could be seen as weakness.</p><p>I didn’t know that showing up fully could make people step back.</p><p>So I showed up anyway.</p><p>Fully.</p><p>Openly.</p><p>Without fear.</p><p>And maybe that was my first mistake.</p><p>Because somewhere along the line, something changed.</p><p>Maybe it was the unanswered messages.</p><p>The one-sided effort.</p><p>The feeling of being too available for people who were barely present.</p><p>Maybe it was the subtle embarrassment of realizing</p><p>you cared more than the other person ever did.</p><p>So I adjusted.</p><p>I learned how to wait before replying.</p><p>How to act like I didn’t notice things.</p><p>How to pretend I didn’t care, even when I did.</p><p>I learned how to protect myself.</p><p>And it worked.</p><p>I stopped feeling foolish.</p><p>I stopped overgiving.</p><p>I stopped expecting too much.</p><p>But I also stopped being that version of me.</p><p>The soft one.</p><p>The open one.</p><p>The one who didn’t overthink every emotion.</p><p>Now, everything is measured.</p><p>How much is too much?</p><p>How much is safe?</p><p>How much of myself can I show without losing control?</p><p>And sometimes, I sit with that version of me in my memories.</p><p>The one who loved freely.</p><p>The one who didn’t need rules to feel secure.</p><p>The one who didn’t see vulnerability as something to manage.</p><p>And I miss her.</p><p>Not because she was perfect,</p><p>but because she was real.</p><p>Protection is necessary.</p><p>Growth is important.</p><p>But sometimes I wonder,</p><p>In learning how to protect ourselves,</p><p>how much of ourselves did we leave behind??</p>
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