on widows. - by Caramel

They said we were being dramatic. That we were liars, soft, modern women who complained about everything. But history repeats itself in a new font every single day. We have become so accustomed to believing that the world is changing for the better that we no longer recognize the old injustices have evolved.I remember reading books about widows when I was younger, about the harsh and unfair treatment of women in the old days. How they would wash a dead man's body and make his wife drink the water. How ash would be poured on their heads. How some would be separated from society and made to live with other widows. Their children too, would be left to starve and wither while the man's family came to divide his belongings, taking what they wanted and leaving whatever remained for the widow. In some cases, they would even marry her off to another member of the family.These things used to happen. I think we can all agree on that. The operative word, of course, is “used to”. Because we want to believe that these things no longer happen, that we have progressed beyond the point where a woman can lose her husband and, in the same breath, lose her dignity, her security, and her right to make decisions about her own life.We want to believe that women are treated better now. We have a convenient explanation for every complaint a woman makes, and the explanation is almost always that she is the problem.A few years ago, a popular Nigerian artist died. He was a young man, and he left behind a wife and a son. Before his wife could even begin to mourn her husband in peace, his family had turned their palm upside down, demanding their share of the fruits of his labour. The matter escalated until his wife was practically placed on a public execution chair. People questioned whether her son was really his son. There were demands for DNA tests and autopsies, and the dead were not even allowed to rest. The woman was dragged, bullied, and subjected to public scrutiny, in the court of public opinion, she was given no time to grieve. This year, another artist died. Three months after a tragic accident, he left behind a wife and two children, neither of whom is even five years old. There are pictures of this woman standing alongside him from the days when he was young, broke, and without the fame that would eventually make him a household name. Yet, somehow, she has become a gold digger and an opportunist. People accuse her of killing her husband. They suspect that she wants to sell the house he left behind. They speculate about whether she intends to move on and remarry, her entire life is now subject to public approval. All this because she did not want to bury her husband in a house where she and her two young children would have to live with the memory of his death. A house those children might grow up in. A house that should, by every reasonable consideration, be a place of comfort and security for the family he left behind. Something that's even illegal to do. She also disagreed with having him buried in his hometown, a place that would make it more difficult for her and the children to visit his grave. And suddenly, she is selfish.I find it interesting that we can look at a woman who has lost her husband and two children who have lost their father, and our first instinct is to wonder what the woman is planning. Not what she is going through. Not what those children need. Not whether the decisions she is making are reasonable under the circumstances. We want to know what she stands to gain. We want to investigate her intentions. We want to find the catch.This is yet another woman society is stomping its feet on simply because she had the misfortune of becoming a widow.Why does widowhood seems to invite suspicion that we would find unreasonable in almost any other circumstance. A man loses his wife, and we might sympathize with him, even encourage him to find love again when he is ready. A woman loses her husband, and suddenly, she has to be smart, or be eaten alive. If she remarries in a few years, people will say she killed her husband because she wanted to move on. If she stays single, they will say she killed him for his money. If she becomes poor, they will accuse her of mismanaging his wealth. If she becomes successful, they will say she used her husband's money to build her life. Whatever decision she makes, someone will find a way to turn it into proof of something sinister.Is this what we mean when we say women are treated better now? Nobody has to pour ash on their heads or force them to drink the water used to wash their husband's bodies. We have social media instead. We have public speculation, accusations, conspiracy theories, and strangers who believe that being a widow gives them the right to question every decision a woman makes.The methods have changed, but the entitlement still remains. The assumption that a woman's life, even after the death of her husband, belongs to everyone but her.And that is one of the realities of being born a woman. Sometimes, even when the person you love dies, society will not let you bury him in peace. It will insist on burying you alongside him, just in a different way.

Other insights from Caramel

Contributor Points

Points-to-Coupons

Referral Earning