TO ALL THE THINGS I CANNOT NAME☹️

Dear diary, I heard a plane fly by today.Made me wonder….how it would feel sitting in the sky.Looking down below at the world I’m accustomed to.I want to be unhinged.I want to be carefree.I want to be able to live without always having to worry about my actions and other people because for what it’s worth I’m not trying to hurt anybody.I want to be happy.I am happy.But I want to be sad as well.Not sad sad.But it’s the only time I can weigh my decisions.The only time I can cry.The only time i can access the emotions beneath my happiness.The only time time slows down.Dear diary, when our mother left we thought it was to give birth.She was pregnant that we knew.And she was traveling that we were told.So we waited anxiously in anticipation.Waiting by the door.Waiting by the window.For our mother and our new sibling to arrive.Hours slowly turned into days.Days slowly into weeks.Weeks slowly into months.And months probably into years.I missed my mother.My father could barely run the house himself.He wasn’t used to it.After all he was a man wasn’t he?He was used to coming home to a hot meal and a warm bath.Coming home to chill and watch football.Coming home to terrorize his wife and his kids.Sometimes coming home with to play with us(sometimes).He couldn’t cook.He couldn’t clean.We were always late to school.We’d cry for hours for our mother.He’d constantly beat us to get us to keep quiet when he couldn’t console us or when his screams for us to shut up failed.Eventually we had to move in to our neighbor’s.She was his cousin.Our aunt.She treated us well.Took care of us.But still she wasn’t my mother.I don’t know how the story goes.I barely remember.All we know is that she came back one day.And her baby could already crawl.I don’t know how long she took.I don’t hate my father totally. I don’t love or like him either.I resent him for what he became of us.But come to think of it.I love my mother.But I still resent her for her choices.The choices she made for us without asking us.Choices she made and dragged us in hook line and sinker.One of the things I resent my mother for is moving.Another not leaving while she could.Another is telling us “I’m staying for you” like it’s wasn’t up to her rather than us.Now a decade plus years later I’m just finding out that what we were told was a lie.Tell me why I’m finding out 15 years later that she actually did leave.She didn’t leave to give birth.She left because he was beating her.She was pregnant.And really really sick.She didn’t come back after giving birth either.She came after months of begging.So it always makes me think what if she didn’t come back?Would I be telling another story.Would I resent her for leaving.Or would I hate my father for driving her away.Dear diary, I have a lot of healing to do.A lot of forgiving as well.But why should I forgive people for the mistakes they never apologized for?Do it for closure they say.But closure’s a bitch and I don’t want closure.It’s a phase and phases pass they say.Dear diary, it’s like I’m loosing the will to live.I’ve started crying again.I spoke to my mother today she sounded so happy so normal.It gladdened me to hear her voice.Would I be able to hear It when I’m gone?How would she feel if I died?Would she cry?Would she gnash her teeth?What about my father?What about my sisters?What about my baby brother?How would they explain to him why I won’t be coming home anymore?What about my friends?Death is inevitable….. isn’t that how they say it.I can feel mine.It’s getting closer.Dear diary, I’m starting to remember.The astral projections.The dreams.The voices I used to hear.Where’d they go?My mind was once a battlefield.Now my mind is often blank.And I’m often just there thinking of everything and at the same time thinking of nothing.

The Diary Of A Young Girl

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