I once was out scanning a QR code.

It was a link to one of my insights.

It was my perspective or rather perception of love.

 Only for someone to tell me I was ruining my future.

Because if I hadn't "tasted love" why was I so "against it" he argued.

You're a feminist shebi ?

He asked?

(Sighed in please go leave me alone lemme continue scanning my code😮‍💨).

I am what's wrong.

How old are you that you're doing feminism up and down?

Then he and his friends sat down to debate me.

(Sighed in it's going to be a long hot afternoon).

Don't get me wrong.

I admire people who love.

People who are able to love.

I hold nothing against them.

Same as I admire people who like children and want them.

I like children.

They're cute and smell nice at a point but I don't want them.

They take too long to become people😂.

 It still baffles me.

Why?

Because how does me deciding not to love equate to me ruining my life?

I love myself.

I don't love love.

I sometimes yearn for it.

And unfortunately I'm not a romantic.

But still?

Everybody preaches love, soulmates.

But nobody preaches to love ourselves.

We're taught to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

But how do we love our neighbors when we don't love ourselves?

We were taught about love.

They said it comes naturally when the time comes.

But that's bullshit.

Sure we seem to have the capacity for attachment, bonding, attraction, companionship, jealousy, affection, longing.

But we've already been taught what those feelings are supposed to mean.

What if I just want closeness or vulnerability or companionship.

Society turns that to romance.

Then marriage.

Then children.

Suddenly one person is supposed to be your best friend.

Your partner.

Your co-parent.

Your sexual partner.

Your emotional support.

Your family.

Your future.

Your whole world.

And when you add them up they become the definition of a successful life.

A life well lived.

 I've accepted the fact that I am going to be all by myself.

And I hope by the time I get there I'd be able to love myself so much I won't feel lonely.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing something I can't guarantee I'd receive.

I like people I really do at first.

But it's always shortlived.

Sometimes I wonder if I do have feelings.

I like the anticipation rather than the reality of sustaining it.

I idealize people when they're still interesting possibilities.

 I like having autonomy.

I like attention.

I like having this romantic little scenes in my head.

I like companionship.

I like people.

I don't just like the concept of love.

Maybe I simply don't know how to love.

Devoting yourself entirely to a human being who isn't entirely devoted to you.

I don't get it.

And I don't think I ever will.

I haven't been heartbroken.

And I pray I never will.

I've seen what it does to people.

The aftermath of when the so called "LOVE" ends.

Is finding love really that big an achievement?

Why were we taught that a person can't live a fulfilling life unless they find love?

Is wanting love natural?

Or is it something we were taught to want?

Are we taught to seek a soulmate because we genuinely want one, or because we're afraid of being alone?

All our lives we were sold "American dreams", "Nigerian dreams".

The suburban middle class lifestyle.

Two kids and a wife.

They said it was fulfilling.

And if you didn't end up like that you've failed.

Why doesn't the human urge to be loved equal the urge to love yourself?

I mean we strive to love people even though they hurt us, abuse us.

We hide under love and the absurd feelings that we can change people.

But we tend to forget love isn't a rehabilitation program.

You can't love someone out of their bad ways.

You can't love someone into being compatible with you.

 People can change but your love cannot guarantee the direction of that change.

(Sighs in it's 2:08 Arabambi you should be asleep 😮‍💨).

I'm pissed and tired.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I want a Selki dress.

An Edinburgh Maiden dress to be precise.

           (Sighs in swaguu 😮‍💨)