Permission please, dear body ?

If someone tells you that you need to get your body's permission before doing anything, especially S.E.X., some of us will be like, "As how na? Why should I consult my body? Is it an idol or what? Abeg!" 😂 But what if I told you that, in a way, you really do need to listen to your body? Before we go further..... I've always been quite keen on learning about the reproductive system and its organs. In fact, the more I was discouraged from learning about them, the more curious I became. And I am still learning. Because, honestly, why should something as natural as understanding the human body be treated like forbidden knowledge? Some of us are already familiar with these terms: VAGINISMUS: A condition involving involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles around the vagina, which can make penetration painful or difficult. This may happen when attempting to insert a tampon, undergo a pelvic examination, or have sexual intercourse. GENOPHOBIA/COITOPHOBIA: Terms used to describe a fear of sexual intercourse or sexual activity. Now, let us talk. Have we ever stopped to ask why forcing oneself on a woman can cause her pain? Why she might cry, resist, or experience fear even before the act begins? Why do we call it rape? Why is it a crime? Because sexual intercourse is not supposed to be an act of force. It requires consent. And consent is not something you take, assume, or demand. It is something freely given. But let us move away from rape for a moment and talk about something society often considers a beautiful experience. THE WEDDING NIGHT! Ah! The long-awaited night. The one you both fantasised about. The one where the DO was supposed to be DOING. The one where, somewhere in your imagination, miracles and wonders would eventually manifest as healthy, bouncing babies. Then comes the moment to do the DO, and your vagina is practically screaming: "Uncle and Auntie, CALM DOWN! I am not ready, abeg!" 😭😂 But wait. What happens when everything you've imagined meets a reality you weren't prepared for? What happens when penetration becomes painful or impossible? When your muscles tighten involuntarily? When fear creeps in, even though you love your partner and genuinely want the experience to work? What happens when you try again and again, but nothing changes? And because nobody prepared you for the possibility of this experience, you begin to wonder whether something is wrong with you. "Am I cursed?" "Abi na that my uncle wey I no greet on my wedding day dey do me?" In Nigeria, where spiritual explanations can sometimes become the first response to unexplained difficulties, it is possible for someone to interpret a sexual health concern as a spiritual problem before considering medical explanations. But please, let's understand something. Painful or difficult penetration is not automatically a curse, a spiritual attack, or a sign that something is wrong with your womanhood. Conditions such as vaginismus can have several contributing factors, and persistent pain deserves proper medical assessment. And no, being a virgin does not mean that pain is inevitable during your first sexual encounter. Now, let us return to our original question. PERMISSION PLEASE, DEAR BODY? When I talk about getting permission from your body, I am not suggesting that your body is some independent being you must consult before every decision. I'm talking about understanding your body, recognising its responses, respecting your comfort, and refusing to treat it like a machine that must obey every command you give it. Our minds and bodies are connected, but they do not always respond in the same way. You may want something emotionally and still experience anxiety or physical discomfort. You may be willing to have intercourse and still experience involuntary muscle tightening. You may even experience physical arousal without actually wanting sexual activity. Our bodies can respond in ways that do not perfectly reflect what we think or feel. And that is precisely why we need to understand them rather than make assumptions about them. I recently read a book yesterday shared in a community group from Twocents, and I would love for more of us to read it. CONFESSION OF AN ALLEGED GOOD GIRL by Joya Goffney Although the book focuses on the female experience, it also enlighten men about the importance of being considerate, patient, and, above all, UNDERSTANDING. It discusses issues relating to the vaginal muscles, pelvic examinations, vaginismus, and other aspects of the female reproductive system. Why am I telling you all this? Because some women are going through experiences similar to Monique's in the story. Imagine the discomfort some people feel simply saying the word SEX, let alone discussing their sexual concerns. Imagine the pressure to have intercourse. The disappointment when things don't work as expected. The frustration of trying to understand what is happening to your own body. Now, imagine attempting intercourse twenty-nine times without success. TWENTY-NINE TIMES! And because you desperately want to please your partner, you begin considering pushing through the pain, ignoring your discomfort, and treating your body as though it has no right to object. Like a machine you control. Nah! I believe we need to approach this differently. When we become sexually aroused, we may experience physical responses that feel beyond our immediate control. But that does not mean our bodies have taken away our ability to make decisions. We can acknowledge our desires without allowing them to override our judgment. We can desire intimacy without forcing ourselves into it. And we can love someone without having to prove that love through sexual intercourse. Your body is not an enemy to conquer. It is a part of you to understand. And understanding it begins with learning. Now, let us address another important issue. OUR PARENTS. Heaven knows I will keep talking about parents and the way they raise children. 😂 Sometimes, I wonder whether our efforts to protect children from certain information end up leaving them unprepared for the very situations we hope to protect them from. I understand that many parents have their reasons. They want to preserve their children's innocence, teach them good values, and protect them from inappropriate influences. But protection should not mean keeping children ignorant about their own bodies. We live in a time when children need age-appropriate information about their bodies, personal boundaries, puberty, consent, and safety. They need to know that certain parts of their bodies are private, that nobody has the right to violate their boundaries, and that they can report uncomfortable experiences without being blamed. They also need parents who are calm enough to answer questions, patient enough to explain things, and approachable enough to make their children feel safe asking for help. Because what happens when a child is too afraid to ask a parent a question? Where do they turn? Who do they ask? And what happens when the information they eventually find is misleading? Once upon a time, I too, could barely say the word BREAST, not to mention SEX. Ogini? Ma ? Was it when you had that strict, no-nonsense Jesus daughter who always seemed to have the holy whip ready? 😭😂 I learnt about my body by myself. No parental lecture. No comfortable conversations. Just curiosity, questions, and the determination to understand what I was discouraged from discussing. And honestly, it was not always an easy experience. Sometimes, I wonder how much easier things could have been if asking questions had felt normal. If knowing the name of a body part had not felt embarrassing. If conversations about reproductive health had not been surrounded by so much discomfort. Parents, please understand this: Teaching children about their bodies does not automatically encourage sexual activity. Sometimes, it simply equips them with the knowledge to protect themselves, recognise problems, and make informed decisions as they grow. You can teach your children about God, discipline, modesty, and personal values while still teaching them accurate information about their bodies. One does not have to cancel out the other. Now, BACK TO PERMISSION! How exactly do I get permission from my body? Perhaps the first step is learning to understand it. Learn the names of your body parts. Learn how your reproductive system works. Understand arousal, menstruation, sexual health, and the difference between ordinary discomfort and symptoms that require medical attention. Learn to recognise when something feels wrong, and do not be afraid to seek professional help. But beyond the physical aspect, we also need to create an environment where discussing these things does not automatically make us feel dirty, sinful, or ashamed. And please, don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that we should engage in sexual intercourse simply because we want to feel comfortable talking about it. No! I am talking about being comfortable enough to discuss our bodies without treating every conversation as an invitation to sexual activity. We are different individuals, with different beliefs, experiences, and values. We may not agree on every aspect of sexuality, and that is fine. But we all have bodies, and we all deserve accurate information about them. And our bodies deserve care, not punishment for responding in ways we do not yet understand. Because sometimes, what we interpret as stubbornness, weakness, or failure may be a physical condition that needs attention. Sometimes, what we interpret as rejection may be fear or discomfort that needs a compassionate conversation. And sometimes, what we call ignorance is simply the result of never having been given the opportunity to learn. Understanding should come before judgment. Compassion should come before pressure. And knowledge should come before assumptions. Now, to the guys! Please, try to help rather than worsen the situation. If your partner is experiencing difficulties with intercourse, do not make her feel defective. Do not ridicule her. Do not turn her struggles into a weapon against her. You may not fully understand what she is experiencing, but you can make an effort to learn. Research together. Encourage appropriate medical consultations. Ask questions without making her feel interrogated. Give her room to express herself honestly. And, most importantly, understand that being in a relationship does not entitle you to somebody else's body. Patience is not a favour you perform in exchange for sex. Love is not a debt that must be repaid through sexual access. And nobody should have to endure pain to keep a partner. Ladies, this applies to us, too. Our partners have bodies, boundaries, fears, and concerns of their own. Understanding must go both ways. Although many of the experiences discussed here concern women, I believe there are also important conversations to have about male sexual health, including sexual pain, anxiety, and difficulties that men may feel too embarrassed to discuss. And certainly, I intend to research those experiences more deeply. Because this conversation should not end with women. It should begin with our willingness to learn. So, the next time somebody asks whether you have sought your body's permission, perhaps the question is not whether your body has become an idol. Perhaps the real question is whether you have learnt enough about yourself to recognise when something needs attention. Whether you feel safe enough to speak. Whether you understand that you can want something without being obligated to endure it. And whether the people around you understand that your body is not theirs to command. We may not have all the answers yet. But we can begin by asking better questions, having honest conversations, and learning without shame. Because our bodies are not machines. Our partners are not entitled to operate them. And our ignorance should not be a price we pay for silence. PERMISSION PLEASE, DEAR BODY? Perhaps the permission we need to seek first is the freedom to understand our bodies, listen to them, and treat them with the care they deserve. Because understanding your body is not a sin. Asking questions is not a crime. And choosing not to proceed is not a failure. NB: I didn't what title would be best for this write-up 🤷🤷 🤷 @Dora

Other insights from Soulscribe

Contributor Points

Points-to-Coupons

Referral Earning