I Can’t Keep Saying “Not All Men”

I came across this video last night and I couldn’t take it, so I went to bed early. This morning, I came across it again on my friend’s status.Women are not safe in this world. I don’t care if anybody comes at me for saying that. I am tired of pretending otherwise.A former Cornell student, identified in the lawsuit as Jane Doe, has accused seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity of sexually assaulting her in 2024. According to her lawsuit, she had been drinking and was pressured into taking drugs and more alcohol before the alleged assaults. What really got to me was the group chat. While she was upstairs, people were allegedly messaging about her, including one message asking whether the “shop” was still open. The lawsuit says the chat had roughly 50 members and that other fraternity members were invited upstairs.Fifty people.I cannot stop thinking about that.The criminal investigation was initially closed without charges, but it has since been reopened after the lawsuit. The district attorney has pointed to differences between the woman’s original statement and the allegations in the lawsuit, while her lawyer disputes the adequacy of the original investigation.And then there is what happened with the punishment. According to the lawsuit, some of the accused students were given the chance to write essays to reduce their punishment. Essays. Cornell has said that the essays were not the only punishment and that some students were also suspended or expelled. But even that made me angry. A woman went through all of this, and this is what the university's response looked like? How are women supposed to feel safe asking for help in the place where they are supposed to be learning?And this is our everyday reality.I saw a video on TikTok of a woman talking about how a man stood outside her shop and was pleasuring himself while looking at her. She was literally just there, minding her own business, and had to deal with that.There are disgusting men out there sexualizing women.And this is not even the worst thing women are dealing with.Women are being followed home. Groped. Harassed. Stalked. Drugged. Raped. Sent unsolicited pictures of men’s genitals. We are taught to check the back seat before entering a car, share our location, watch our drinks, avoid walking alone, carry something we can use as a weapon and call someone when we get home.There is always another rule.But there is never a rule for the man.And women are dying too.In Nigeria alone, a femicide tracker documented 54 reported cases of women and girls killed in gender-related violence between January and June 2026. In 2025, another report documented 197 women and girls killed in suspected gender-related killings. These are only reported cases, so they do not capture the full picture.Women are being killed by husbands. Boyfriends. Strangers. Men they trusted. Men who could not accept that a woman wanted to leave, said no, or simply refused to be controlled.And it is not just about what men do to women. It is also about the way some men talk about women, the way they see us, and the things they believe they are entitled to.Have you ever actually heard some men talk about women when they think women are not listening?God.You can feel sick just listening to some of the things that come out of their mouths.A woman becomes a body.A body to rate.A body to discuss.A body to fantasize about.A body to control.“Beat her if she talks back.”“She’s supposed to be cooking for you. That is her job.”“She must not be more successful than you. You won’t be able to control her.”“She should not wear revealing clothes.”And when she covers up, suddenly she dresses like an old woman.If she is confident, she is arrogant.If she is quiet, she is boring.If she has male friends, she is promiscuous.If she has no male friends, something must be wrong with her.If she says no, she is forming.If she says yes, she is easy.There is always another condition.Another rule.Another way for a woman to be wrong.And that is what bothers me.It is not only the extreme things. It is the everyday entitlement underneath them. The belief that a woman should be smaller so a man can feel bigger. That her clothes should determine how much respect she gets. That her success should have a limit. That her body is available for discussion. That her “no” is something to negotiate.And I know the response already.Not all men.I know.I have said it too. I have defended men I know. I have tried to separate the good ones from the bad ones because I want to believe there is a difference I can see.But that is exactly what scares me.How do you know?You can meet a man who is polite, funny, kind and completely normal and still not know what he thinks about women when you are not there.You do not know what he laughs at.You do not know what he considers a compliment.You do not know what he believes a woman owes him.You do not know whether he hears “no” and accepts it or hears it as a challenge.And I hate that women have to think about these things.I hate that we teach girls how to identify danger before we teach them why they should not have to live in fear of it.I hate that a woman can walk into a room and immediately calculate who is around her, where the exit is, who she can call and whether the man standing beside her is safe.So when people tell me there are good men out there, I want to see what that actually looks like.Show me the men who will not make a woman smaller just to feel bigger themselves.Show me the men who will not sexualize her and call it a compliment.Show me the men who will not need to control her clothes, her money, her friendships or her voice.Show me the men who do not treat women like objects of pleasure.Show me the men who can hear a woman say no without turning it into an insult.Show me the men who can watch a woman succeed without needing to bring her back down.I am not asking for perfection.I am asking what kind of man you are when there is nothing to gain from being decent.Because right now, I am tired of hearing “not all men” as if the sentence itself is supposed to make women feel safe.It doesn’t.And honestly?Fuck it, men.Come at me for saying it.Tell me I am bitter. Tell me I am generalising. Tell me I am being unfair.I don’t care.If there are still good men out there, I’ll be here waiting.Prove me wrong.

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