I’m at the stage where nothing makes sense (And I’m tired of trying)

There are some spiritual meetings in your life you will never forget, and for me, it was Faith Conference Lagos, Day 2; Apostle Emmanuel Iren talked about burdens and purpose, and if you’ve ever heard Pastey preach, he mixes love and authority with a few jokes. I laughed, laughed, and wrote things down until something started to build up...Conviction.Cue the horror music.For context, He had said that when God gives you a burden, or rather a purpose, it is a good thing, and sometimes things (finances, relationships, etc.) begin to work through that purpose. Then I was at that stage where nothing made sense, and unfortunately, and fortunately for me, I sat with a friend who knew more than I said and didn’t say.To this day, I don’t know if she could read my mind, or if God was telling her about everything, but in the middle of the sermon, she kept giving me those ‘black-mother looks’ like ‘I hope you’re hearing’ But yes, I started to cry during the meeting. I’m a crybaby on a normal day, but these emotions came from something deeper. I knew I was crying because I was tired, but something deeper was at work, and when the power hit me and fell to the ground, all I could think about was my assignment and the burdens God had given me.Most of you understand how that feels. God impresses something on your heart, and you’re just wailing. Anyhoo, I’ll never forget that meeting. You’d expect me to leave that meeting energized and filled with the courage and conviction to do more. And I did.I felt like a superhero with a big bumbum (yes, the bug bumbum analogy again)But I’m back right where I was before the faith conference day 2. Tired, drained, and just wondering,’ God, how far?’I attended midweek service where a pastor had asked the church to pray for God to give them assignments, or to urge them to step into God’s plan for their lives.A part of me rejoiced at how intensely they prayed. Another part of me was shaking my head because I just wondered,” When God starts with you….”Hmmm.And that’s not supposed to scare you; it just means things will make sense, and won’t at the same time. Suppose your purpose is to help the gospel reach places, and you hear what is going on in the north.My dear, you will have to intercede a lot and also cry over things that have nothing to do with you.There was a particular night I heard a voice note about a special needs mother who needs help, and at the end of the voice note, I started crying. Why? To this day, I have no idea why. I bawled my eyes out that night, praying for an intervention for her. This didn’t even involve my autistic brother in any way, but it felt heavy, and it didn’t make sense. Apparently, there's something called the intercessor’s tears, and if you carry burdens most of the time, you’ll experience that. But back to purpose, I want to talk to anyone currently in the waiting period.Last weekend, I was home all alone, and after dancing for exercise and watching Perfect Match (a little reality show to make me laugh), I decided to do my plans for the week, the budgeting, the planning, and I had to look through my phone, and that’s when the waterworks started.I just had to ask God,” What did I do to you?”I was exhausted, tired of trying so many new things. Sometimes, it feels like it is only you; you’re alone, misunderstood, and nobody really understands what you’re going through. You’ve tried so many things, and nothing is working. You’ve gone the extra mile, but nothing has come through. You’re just there, thinking,’ Is there actually a plan?”Then you spend time praying against the village people, day after day, and nothing moves. Sometimes, the devil isn’t to blame. Trust me, the devil is a bastard (forgive my French), but sometimes, God may just be taking you through a trial, or rather, the preparation stage.I’ll be honest with you. This stage doesn’t seem great, and I’m sure you know.And get this: in the midst of your wailing, God can be on the throne and give you an assignment, and you look up to him, asking,” Is my pain a joke to you, oh heavenly king?”This is something I am still struggling with, but God’s ways are not our ways.But you have to wait a little longer; you’ve probably heard that if your path is difficult, your calling is higher, and that’s sort of true.Please hold on to God. From a girl who is currently in her waiting-and-trying stage, I’ll advise you to cry it out, dance to Onaga every time you finish crying, take a bite of your favorite chocolate, watch something funny, and sleep. Rest in God’s arms. Because He can only help you, and he will. No power on earth can stop God’s glorious plan for you, and I don’t want you to give up before He does. I’m hosting a small worship meeting in December for everyone who is currently waiting and asking God, “ How far? Do you still remember I exist? Am I still the child first before the servant?”And I’d love to have you there. Please click the link to register.Most of us have been running from conversations with God about this, and it’s gotten so bitter that you don’t even realize it. I’ll say it because I was/am going through that too.I would love for you to come. Let’s talk this out, support you, pray for you, and hear God out, because He is a father who cares about His children.Even though it seems that way right now.So, that’s my long ‘quick-chat’ today.I hope you know it is a joy to be chosen by God, and for him to say, ‘That precious one. I can count on that one. What a joy! And I can’t wait to see what God accomplishes through you, and for you. ’Now, get to your work meeting, which should have been an email, and take it easy. Feed your mind with its vitamins (the scriptures), talk to God, an emotionally intelligent friend, or a counselor, and dance in victory, because great things are still coming.Love, Twi-Twi,The one who still believes.

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